On an early morning after work

Not sure why, but i am feeling the emptiness in my life after work recently. Previously when I was preparing for CFA, I will be hoping that I can make it home early to study, but I failed to do that as work always end late during that period.

Now that CFA is over, work is still sending me home late as usual, I am feeling lost. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to do at home, but I don't want to just sleep. Honestly, I would like to know if it is just me, adjusting to a non-exam mode or is it that I am tired of my work.

Post coffee session:

I'm writing it down so that I can remember years later how bad I felt right now.

First, i am upset that for so much that I have done, I get nothing in the end. No recognition, be it title or monetary, not even the score on the appraisal.

Honestly, I believe that I have done beyond what an OA should be doing; but still, you feel that I'm not ready for promotion. Could you list down the criteria to be an SOA. Honestly, I do not really care about the promotion, as i am more concern with the other segment. I think the company need to understand that every team works differently, in term of strength and workload. The same set of bellcurve/benchmark cannot be applied to all. 

I used to be happy that I am in our team, for the bond we built and the comfy environment that we created for each other. But now, I feel that I would be better off in other team. I am disappointed that you are still grouping me together with people who joined months after me, given all the extra stuff I have done. It is not as though that those work that I have done are invisible, they are in fact measurable and very much significance. 

I do understand that you are only the middleman, and that you are just conveying messages. I am upset that for all the hard work done, you are still classifying us based on our length of services. 

Like I have said in the meeting, I do not feel right/comfortable that we are teaching someone who is earning more than myself.  And as suggest, I could have quit now and rejoined the co and I would be able to earn more than how much I am earning right now, for all the relevance skills I have. 

Honestly, idk if I should still be thankful for the opportunity given to me as an OA. Those exposure were not something that I would expect a year ago. I worked hard on it in hope for a better appraisal score. But no, that's not what I get. Maybe I should have voice it out earlier, but does it help?

I have prepared myself for an outcome which might not be fully satisfying. But this is too far fetch. Pardon me for that, it might be a Farewell. 

Changed the layout of this blog, it looks more like my dairy now. Oh well, that's the whole purpose of starting this blog and still keeping it till now.

Looking back at my older posts, I see that the style and content of my posts changed.
I used to post about my daily life, like what I do after schools, who did I meet and etc. Those seems so childish and meaningless now. Not like others is interested in knowing what am i engaging with after classes?! HAHA but those were the trend back then, cause we didnt have fb/ig, we cant checked in and etc. Imagine we have all those during our secondary school days, things will definitely be different. OMG, I am reading through my older posts, and I am shocked by all those that I wrote! *Insert shocking face* Shall removed archive too~


Cant help but to continue reading whatever I have posted previously, so I shall end here.


BYE~

Untitled

So much things to share, but too bad I have no time.

Not at my best mood today. Having too much thoughts.

Shall share it when I have the time.

To be honest, I am deeply affected by these incident.

First, am I being objective when I made those comments? Everyone has their own working style, so long as they can complete everything in time, the process does not matter.

Though that being said, I still feel for my comments. I do not understand why that rec must be done after the other when it has the earliest SLA, assuming that the SLA of the other is later. Fine, even if both of the recs have the same SLA, I am sure that the data are still incomplete at 2.30PM. If so, why do the other rec first when data is fully in for the first rec? The goal for the team daily is to have everything deliver on time. By allocating your time effectively, you would be able to ensure that not just one, but all of your recs are out on time. Imagine this, or rather do not imagine, it happened. There was an issue with the statements on one of the days. And because you started doing the recs late, you only managed to discover it later and can only tackle it then. And what was the reason for the delay again? Feed issue, manual matching? People will be questioning why is the other similar recs which use the same statements are out, but not yours. Get it?

And yeah right, fuck my problem. It is indeed none of my problem, which is why I did not approach you regarding this. Honestly, if the same thing is happening to someone else in the team, I would definitely tell them about it. Too bad that it is YOU. I am astonished that those comments flowed to you, and I am sorry that it upsets your weekends. My mood got screwed by your comments too. So ya, I will do some reflection regarding gossiping about people. Actually what is worrying more is the fact that you have the thinking of leaving, or is 'stopping' a better word? I am not very sure about what you really mean by that, but I truly and sincerely hope that I would not be the reason for your depart. I am afraid that it will put the team management in a spot.

I will just pretend to not know about the entire thing and behave as per normal going forward. I shall also not share it with anyone else in the office unless necessary. Kind of hard, but I will try. Maybe I am getting too comfortable with the company and the environment that I am cutting slack on my on stage self. I guess it is time to find back the old Ethel who joined 12 months ago, who do not judge others cause she herself does not know much. Is that possible?

On a side note, thanks for making me realize that not everyone is on my side. My current workpalce is not that innocent afterall. Thank you.

Ethel

Maybe it is a sign. A sign that signals me to stop and change.

I am getting way too comfortable with that area that I am displaying my off-stage self. That wouldnt be a problem 12 months ago.

So now, it's either I change, to the old me, or I go and restart an on-stage image.

I think, I have Lost myself again.